let God mess it up.

2016.

the year that did not go at all how I had planned. at this time last year, I had so many hopes and dreams that were going to be fulfilled that year. I was going to work at a summer camp in Colorado. I was going to be an RA at my school. I was going to go out and make a difference. I was going to do great things. I was going to return to school in the fall and it was going to be the best semester yet.

but, God had other plans through all the closed doors, unmet expectations and the struggles. he taught me about grace.

friends. even though life may be hard and there are struggles and you spend many nights crying out why. He loves you though it all. He does. and He has a plan. He does. and He won't leave you to wrestle alone. He won't. And He will carry you through. He will.

recently I have been looking to God for direction. He lead me to Luke 1, and the angel's visit to Mary.

think about what Mary had planned for her life. she probably had so many hopes and dreams that were going to be fulfilled in the upcoming year; she was going to marry Jospeh. she was going to start a family. she had plans for her life that I think did not include an angel visit and the implications that followed, like becoming pregnant with the Messiah, town gossip, visit to Elizabeth and Zachariah, traveling to Bethlehem and having her God-child in a stable.

but think if she said no to the struggles, pain and heartache. think if she thought her plans were better than God's and told him no. what if ...

sometimes we have to let God mess up our carefully made plans so He can fulfill His plans in and through us. 

I pray that in this upcoming year. 2017. I will respond the same way that Mary does:

"I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said."

although this is easy to say, it is not easy to live out. what does being the Lord's servant look like lived out in your life?

as I reflect, I remember that I say this many times but I don't live it out. I say to God "its okay for you to mess up my plans. I'll follow you." but then I take back control. and I get upset when things don't go according to MY plans. and then I remember and then I pray and then I take back control. and repeat.

and still He loves me. and still He has patience with me. and still He has a plan for me. and still He chooses to use me through it all.

this, my friends, is amazing grace.

may this new year be filled with grace. grace to see how God is working in and through the struggles fulfill HIS purposes.

i have learned the secret

this summer has been hard. i have been comparing myself to others and the great adventures they have been having while complaining that i am stuck on the farm working. i do enjoy working on the farm with my family but when my friends are out in the world living the dream [or so it looks], i get discouraged and start questioning God.

sometimes its hard to be content. 

sometimes its hard to remember that He has me here for a reason. 

sometimes its hard to trust in His plan. 

a few weeks ago, i was reading in Philippians 4. 

"...for i have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. i know what it is to be in need, and i know what is it to have plenty. i have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. i can do everything through Him who gives me strength." 

all i can say after reading this is wow. i am inspired. challenged. 

i was talking the other day with my friend and i shared a few of my thoughts about how hard it is to be content in the season of life that i am in now. she reminded me that its easy to think "oh, i would just be content if ______ [you fill in the blank]" she said we only learn this "secret" if we are content WHATEVER the circumstances just like Paul said. in plenty or in want. either well fed or hungry. whatever the circumstance. 

this my friends, is the secret. 

we are called to have complete trust in God and in His plan and to believe that whatever you are going through is in His plan. He has you where you are for a reason. for a specific reason. 

but it is a hard lesson to learn. its so hard to "bloom where you are planted."

this sunflower is my inspiration. 

its kinda hard to see if from the picture but this flower is literally growing out of the tree trunk! wow. i don't quite know how but it is. it is literally "blooming where it was planted."

it was probably hard for this flower to grow like this. it was probably dry and had to work really hard to push through the bark to get to the sunshine but it kept growing. it probably compared itself to the trees around it and wasn't content that God made it to be a flower and not a tree but, it kept growing.


paul then goes on and says that he can do all things through Christ who strengthens him. i love this verse and i know it is used a lot in Christian circles. but when we put this verse into it's context [something you learn when you go to a christian college, haha], i think we use it the wrong way. yes, i know God strengthens us to do His will but here, in this context, i think paul is saying that living this life of total contentment and trust in God is hard, but when Christ strengthens us, we can do anything.

we can "bloom where we are planted" even if it's dry and a lot of hard work. even if you are the only "sunflower" in a forest. even if life is hard. even if life is easy. in plenty and in want.

in all circumstances, be content. trust.

have you learned the secret?

joining God's plan

During this season of life, i have been searching. longing. wondering. asking God what He wants me to do. I have knocked on many doors and God has closed them all.

because of all these closed doors, i am now faced with a choice: do i sit and complain that God closed that door or do i thank Him and trust in His plan for my life? 

to be honest, I have done both. to be even more honest, i have complained a lot more that i have thanked Him. but slowly, i am learning what trusting God with your life looks like and how it is lived out in my daily life. 

God has a plan. 

He has had a plan since the beginning of time.

this plan is not just a plan for my life, but a plan for the whole world.

a plan that will restore all of creation back to perfection.

this plan has been going on before i was born and will continue after i die.

it is the plan to restore the whole world.

and i know that God has a place for me in that plan.

... He has been reminding me that He wants to use all of His children in that plan and He has a place for them to do the work that He has created them to do. 

"But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? 

                    "Shall what is formed say to Him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?' " 

Does not the Potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?" 

                                                                                          -------> romans 9:20&21 

sometimes this is hard. it is hard to trust. it is hard to hand over control and to live in dependance on God...... but i trust Him. i trust my Father. i trust that He knows what is best. i trust that He created me for a purpose. i trust that He is working for the good of the whole world. i trust that He uses me in that plan of restoration. i trust that He has a plan even though sometimes that plan looks different that the plan that i thought. but i trust that He is a good, good Father. 

"If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!" 

                                                                                         -------> matthew 7:11 

the hardest part for me right now is, because of all the closed doors, i don't know what to do. i don't know where my place is. i don't know where and how i should be involved in God's plan of restoring the whole world. 

the story that keeps coming to mind is the story of Jesus feeding the 5,000. i heard this story taught on every week for 3 months while i was an intern in guatemala in 2013, and what i learned there keeps coming to mind...

there is so much i could unpack, but i am just going to emphasize 1 point today. 

(i am also going to assume that you all know the story. if you don't please go read matthew 14:13-21)

the disciples come to Jesus and tell Him what do to. "send the crowds away. it's late. they need to eat. Jesus, send the people away. stop teaching them." (my paraphrase)

i am so like the disciples. i always try and tell Jesus what to do. but He is God. He has His own plan.

instead of doing what His disciples said, Jesus tells His disciples what to do. He says to them, "You give them something to eat!" 

YOU. 

what can you do with what you have? 

Jesus gave you what you have to be used for His purposes. He gave you good gifts to share with others. even if it seems small and insignificant, He knows. He knows what you are thinking, however, He wants to use YOU with YOUR gifts. He wants to use you because He created you with a purpose. He created you to fit into the plan that He has for restoring the whole world. 

please take a moment and listen to this song.

                 little is much

"Little is much when God's in it. 

And no one can fathom the plans He holds.

Little is much when God's in it.

He changes the world with the seeds we sow. 

Little is much." 

how is God calling you to use your gifts to join in His restoration of the world?

direction and dying.

For me, the past couple years have been full of unknowns and adventure, plans and applications, yes's and no's and many, many decisions. I have asked God for so many things, things that I thought was something that He wanted me to do. But, most of my plans didn't pan out the way that I envisioned.

God has been teaching me the process of dying to self. We see this analogy in the growth and reproduction of plants. The following is an excerpt from Elisabeth Elliot's book, Passion and Purity: 

"...The seed does not know what will happen. It only knows what is happening - the falling, the darkness, the dying... 

...There is no ongoing spiritual life without this process of letting go. At the precise point where we refuse, growth stops... 

...The more you perceive God's purposes in your life, the less terrible the losses seem..."

but, oh, how hard it is to let go and die.

how hard it is to trust and not be concerned with the why and the how.

for me, right now, i want to know why. i want to know how. i want direction. i want to know what. i want to know where. i want to know who. i want to know. Jesus, i want to know!


and God whispers, "trust me. let go. die to yourself and follow me."

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his live will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it."
                                                                                                                      -- Matthew 16:24&25

“I realized that the deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by His letting us have our own way in the end, but by His making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience until we are able to honestly pray what He taught His disciples to pray: Thy will be done.”  

                                                     -- Elisabeth Elliot

people-pleasing.

i recently had a talk with my parents about my horses and i was saying to them that i felt bad because they feed my horses while i am away at school. and i said, "i don't want to assume that you would do all that for me. i want my actions to please you." and then my mom said something that really struck me, "do you do that at school? try to please people?"

at first i was offended. ("of course i don't do things that are wrong if others ask me to do that.")

 then it hit me.

what about the little things. why do you do somethings? is there a deeper longing that you are trying to fill with the worldly things around you? why do you go on social media? is it to please others? is it to make sure that they know you are still friends? (or is it deeper and really about you REMINDING yourself that you have 'friends?')

oh, why are we such shallow people? 

later, i was struck by this thought: if i asked my parents this questions, shouldn't i ask my Father in Heaven about my actions and bringing Him pleasure? 

"i want my actions to please you." 

"i want you to be pleased with me." 

"i want you to be thankful you created me." 

oh, isn't so reassuring knowing that nothing we can or can't do will change the way that Jesus thinks about us? Yes, the actions that we do can either bring Him honor or not but that doesn't change His love for each of us. 

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us that we should be called children of God! That is what we are!" [john 3:1]

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting Life." [john 3:16]

"But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
[romans 5:8]

we should rest in the knowledge of God's love and let that propel us forward into words and actions that pleases Him, our Heavenly Father.

"if the praise of man elates me and his blame depresses me; if i cannot rest under misunderstanding without defending myself, if i love to be loved more than to love, to be served more than to serve, than i know nothing of Calvary love." - Amy Carmichael