I've heard that so many times in the past 2 weeks.
the past two weeks have been filled with so many questions. so many tears. so much heartache. so much wonderings and hopings and praying for a miracle.
but toady. today my dear friend, Austin Huisingh, was laid to rest - that is, his earthly body was placed in a grave. today I don't have many answers but I do have a sure hope. and even though there aren't words that my mouth feels like it can express, there are words of hope that Jesus reminds us of.
"but our citizenship is in heaven and we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who by the power that enables Him to bring everything under His control will transform our holy bodies so that they will be like His glorious body." (Philippians 3:20-21)
As I've mentioned, these past 2 weeks have been oh so hard. I can clearly remember where I was 2 weeks ago when I received the text with the news that Austin's car was found in a river with his body nowhere to be found. I had just walked out of church and was on my way to write a five-page paper that was due that night.
I stopped and read and re-read the text.
"it can't be true" my mind kept saying. "it can't be true"
but then the tears started. and they flowed through all of the paper-writing (I must have looked quite the sight: sitting in a coffee shop with a lavender-latte in hand, writing that paper with the tears pouring down my face)
and those tears haven't stopped. and neither have the prayers. but sometimes those words to Jesus are just one word: "why?"
and there are no words to that answer.
the other night, after we had received word that Austin's earthly body had been found, I was sitting, crying, journaling, trying to process it all and my notes from that Sunday 2 weeks ago came falling out of my Bible.
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my eyes fell to what I had wrote based on the story in John 6:14-24:
this story of Jesus and the storm is in between the feeding the 5,000. Jesus had just performed this amazing miracle of feeding 5,000 people with only 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. He then sent his disciples across the sea of Galilee while He withdrew to the mountain to pray. While the disciples were in the middles of the sea, a storm came up and even though to the disciples in the boat, Jesus was not physically present with them, it is assumed He was praying for them in that storm.
- Hebrews 7:25 "He always lives to intercede for them"
- Romans 8:26-27 "the Spirit Himself intercedes for us through wordless groans... because the Spirit intercedes for God's people in accordance with the will of God"
The story then continues that Jesus walked to them, on the water and said "do not be afraid, I AM"
in storms, we may cry out "Jesus, where are you?"
and Jesus responds "do not be afraid, I AM"
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sometimes there are no words left to say. sometimes there are no words left to pray.
sometimes I feel so alone. sometimes I feel like this storm will overwhelm me.
sometimes I question and wonder and cry out and am afraid.
"do not be afraid" Jesus says. "I AM."
not only does He come into my boat, remind me of who He is, but He intercedes to the Father on my behalf.
He knows me better than I know myself. He knows what I need before I ask it. He sees me. He knows me. He knows my past, my present and my future. He has a plan. He loves me and wants what's best for me. He knows what will give me a hope and a future. He knows because He is I AM.
He speaks even when there are no words.
He speaks in the silence. in the questioning. in the crying out. He speaks in the tears. in the mourning. in the remembering. He speaks in the storm.
but here we are. left with the memories we have with Austin, but left here, without him. this reality leaves me with no words.
I thought I had lots to say about his contagiously joyful and fun-loving, adventurous self. about his selfless, kind heart. about his strong work ethic and his drive to always do his best. about his way of loving on campus life students. about his ability to make everyone feel important, loved and seen.
but all I can say is that there is so much to say but I am at a loss for words.
Austin, you will be missed.
